Naked Texas Caveman Isn’t Me

A naked caveman has been terrorizing hikers in the mountains around El Paso, TX. The clearly insane scruffy dude has been living in a cave and wandering around scaring people because, again, he is insane. He's chased hikers through the canyon, his dong flapping in the breeze. He's worked out at an apartment's jungle gym and has been seen eating from local "dumpster buffets". In this video, taken by a hiker, the caveman tells us with why he lives the way he does.

The one rumor I want to squelch right now is that this guy is me. As I'm sure you all know, I have been living in an underground bunker in Texas for the last couple of months with my cat Mrs. Snugglepuss awaiting the end of the world. I have been sending out reports via my "Dispatches From The Apocalypse" series. Some nasty rumors starting going around when this story broke that this lunatic was me. Firstly, I don't live in a cave I live in a bunker. I rarely go out naked and I don't bother hikers as a rule. Plus I'm way more handsome than this guy. So, please stop spreading lies.